Losing Myself
by Extraho Incendia
Summary: The subtle breakdown of Anders as Justice slowly takes control.  One-Shot. F!Hawke/Anders. Written more in my drabble style but much longer than a drabble.


A/N: This is the original version of "Coming Undone". I took some advice and tried to expand it beyond this oneshot form. I guess it didn't go over well so I'm putting up the original. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Hereby disclaimed. I do not own dragon age or any of its characters or other such nonsense. Not for profit just for fun!

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Choke, choke again  
>I find my demons were my friends<br>Getting me in the end  
>They're out to get me<br>Since I was young  
>I tasted sorrow on my tongue<br>And this sweet sugar gun  
>Does not protect me<br>That's right  
>Trigger between my eyes<br>Please strike  
>Make it quick now<br>I'm trying to hold it together  
>Head is lighter than a feather<br>Looks like I'm not getting better  
>Not getting better<br>Wait, I'm coming undone  
>Unlaced, I'm coming undone<br>Too late, I'm coming undone  
>What looks so strong, so delicate<br>Wait, I'm starting to suffocate  
>And soon I anticipate<br>I'm coming undone  
>What looks so strong, so delicate<br>_"__Coming__Undone__"_-Korn

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The first time I laid eyes on her I knew it wouldn't be the last. I'd healed a child. He'd been near death and it had taken a toll on me. Summoning a strength I didn't have I turned ready to defend my haven. She smirked and I was lost.

She needed something and so did I. She followed me to the chantry. Showing a trust I hadn't yet earned. It was surprising.

Karl was there but my friend was gone. He'd never done anything to warrant being made tranquil. Too late. I was too late. I felt so helpless. It made me so angry.

When the Templars rushed in from behind that anger boiled over becoming something so much more than I could handle. I couldn't help it I shut down.

Justice sensing the danger to our shared person took over. With a manic glee he cut through the Templars wielding our body like Hawke wielded her blades full of confidence and deadly accuracy.

Afterward he retreated back into the recesses of my mind leaving behind the faintest feeling of unease.

Then came the excursion into the deep roads. We'd been down there for weeks after Bartrand stranded us. I'd lost count of how many dark spawn we encountered while following the long and circuitous route back to the surface.

It was I who fought at Hawke's side cutting them down and I who summoned forth the healing magic, closing wounds and setting bones. From him nothing but whispers and half formed thoughts. Mostly annoyance at my growing fascination with Hawke and her acrobatics.

When Bethany fell ill it wasn't much of a surprise. The blight it seemed would claim at least one of us after all. Looking around I realized we were near a Grey Warden encampment. If we could make it there….

The spawn came out of nowhere catching me off guard. I faltered and he was there taking control euphoric over being able to spill blood once more. Again he retreated though it seemed as though he didn't move back quite so far this time and that feeling of unease grew the tiniest bit.

He seemed content for a while to simply harass me about Hawke or goad me into some nighttime excursion.

I truly started to worry after Ella. I had been in complete control. I had been furious sure but in control. Until I wasn't. I found myself catapulted into the darkness as he raged at the girl. He was going to kill her. She was innocent and he was going to kill her. What if he didn't stop there? What if he turned on Hawke?

Her voice and fear for her safety and the girls jolted me into action. I grabbed at him. Pulling and pushing forcing him to back down.

I gasped stared down at my hands at the terror on the girls face. "I have to get out of here!" I ran.

At the clinic I started tossing things into a chest. I was becoming dangerous. Losing control. I had to get away from here. Away from people. Maker, I didn't want to hurt anyone.

Hawke came in before I had a chance to finish my packing. She had information. The information I'd been looking for. I was distracted. This would make a world of difference. Maybe I could do some good without having to be so underhanded about it. He laughed.

She came by more often after that. Sometimes for no reason at all. We'd talk or she'd help me with my potions.

Sometimes she came to ask my help. I often found myself following her on one fools' errand or another.

Every now and again in the midst of a scuffle I would feel myself flag. He wasted no time knocking me back and taking the reins. He would gloat for days afterward while I holed my self up in the clinic trying to shore up the cracks and crevices appearing in my overtaxed psyche.

He would poke and prod searching for a nerve. Then he would worry it until I could take no more and I'd do whatever he wanted of me. Be it some subtle subversion aimed at a Templar patrol or more dangerous and thus more satisfying for him smuggling mages out from under their noses and out of Kirkwall in the dead of night.

On those nights that I managed to keep myself in my bed my thoughts would inevitably turn to her. I had begun to feel something that I hadn't allowed myself to feel since my early days in the circle. The closer I came to working up the nerve to tell her how I felt the more insistent his words became.

He would whisper to me how unworthy I was. Berate me for a fool didn't I see how she was distracting me from our cause and who did I think I was anyway? Did I really think I could have a future? With anyone?

When that didn't work he would bombard me with images. A Templar sword crimson coated. That simple farmhouse burning with the heat of a small sun. Her body broken beyond my capabilities to repair.

For three years I endured that and despite it all I still grabbed for that chance.

She stood in my clinic with that smirk on her face and I was lost. I reached for her and when she didn't pull away I kissed her. Justice screaming in my ear just how much he disapproved. "_I'll kill her myself if I have to!_"

I didn't dignify that with an answer. I simply waited patiently for him to wear himself out. I had become a very patient man.

The walk to the estate from Darktown was unusually quiet. I was admittedly a little nervous at him leaving me to my own thoughts.

I reached for the door handle and he grabbed for control. Pushing and groping. I faltered. Took a breath and battened him down as tight as I could. "Not tonight." I gritted through clenched teeth.

Inside she was waiting for me and seeing what I felt mirrored in her eyes gave me the strength to keep him down for quite a while.

Moving into the estate was strange at first. I found myself coming and going through the cellar entrance that let out near my clinic. It felt too much like tempting fate to let the Templar see me spending so much time there.

My days were filled with tending to the needy and struggling to keep him under lock and key. But my nights. Maker, I hadn't slept so well in a very long time. Just being near her gave me the strength to withstand his assaults.

When they stopped altogether I thought he had maybe given up. I couldn't have been more wrong.

He stopped yelling and started fighting.

How many times during battle was my attention split between the enemy attacking me from the front a companion needing healing at my back and him inside forcing his way out. I managed to keep him tethered most of the time. Still he became very good at judging when I could stand to fight him least and that is always when he pushed.

Eventually as all things must our time in Kirkwall came to and end. One last act perpetrated to further our cause. He broke free as we fought the Knight-Commander and he reveled in spilling so much Templar blood. It took everything in me to reign him back in when it was over. That was a big victory for him and with it the foundations of my resolve weakened.

He continued to fight. Tearing at me day after day. I tried to hold to the strength that had carried me through in Kirkwall but with every triumph. Every highwayman he slaughtered. Every slight no matter how large or small or real that he avenged weakened me further. I was losing myself and well he knew it.

Once Hawke and I were walking in the woods gathering herbs. We came upon a clearing filled to bursting with wild flowers. It was breathtaking. I pulled her to me kissing her hard and she responded by pulling at the ties to my shirt. When I woke we were laying in a tangled heap surrounded by discarded clothing. The sun sat lower in the sky than I remembered. No matter hoe hard I tried I could recall nothing past that kiss.

She lifted her head studying my face. She must have found whatever she was looking for because her expression softened. That's when I realized I had been gone. He'd…..He was toying with me now. Showing me how weak I really was.

There was a bruise beginning to form beneath her left eye. It was red and swollen. By nightfall it would be black and blue.

My stomach lurched bile burning the back of my throat. I gently brushed the tips of my fingers across the swelling. A swirl of blue and it was gone.

She reached up and touched where it had been.

"Oh that?" she smiled rolling away from me. "Got my feet tangled in these damn trousers. Who knew your shoulder was made of stone."

She always had been a terrible liar.

Life became chaos after that. I blacked out almost as often as I ended up riding passenger.

I lost count of the myriad times I would come to in the midst of a life or death skirmish blood slicking my clothes against my skin. Hawke beside me screaming my name.

How many times had I had to put her back together again afterward. She never said a word. Even when it was me who put the marks on her flesh in the first place.

I begged her to end it. I couldn't do it myself. He wouldn't let me.

It didn't matter. She refused. "No," she said tracing a tear down my cheek. "Not while you're still here."

Part of me wanted to argue. To plead. Anything. The other part. The selfish part of me wasn't ready to go yet. I clung to the need to spend what little time I had left with her. So I could carry those memories with me into the fade. To help me remember if we were ever to meet again Justice and I.

Days passed as I unraveled. Losing more and more until at last there was nothing left.

I managed to call out a warning to her before I was plunged deep into a darkness I had never experienced before. I grabbed for him but my fingers slid through it gaining no purchase. I was truly a passenger now. Powerless to do anything but watch and pray.

She dodged his attack. He feinted. She spun. They danced. Twisting and swinging. Blood flowed. Bones cracked. Her blades a whirlwind of devastation. He had watched her all those years as I had memorizing the way her body curved and flowed. He anticipated her every move. Forcing her to juke and jump faster and faster.

Until abandoning her assassins' training she came at him straight on a war cry on her lips. She launched herself at the last minute smashing her shoulder into his chest sending him reeling. He lost his balance and his staff at the same time just before his skull bounced off the stones below.

She was fast as lighting despite her labored breathing. She straddled him leaning forward until her face was inches from his. "You don't get to have him."

The blade was a silver flash sliding between broken ribs before he had a chance to recover his wits. The pain was a surprise and a blessing. To be able to feel something one last time.

She pressed her bloodied lips against mine. A tear slid from the corner of her eye dropping to caress my cheek. "Goodbye love."

The fade seems larger than I remember. Filled with winding paths and wandering spirits. Not all of them bad.

They stay out of my way mostly. Give me a wide berth as I explore.

I have yet to come across Justice though I know he's here.

My anger had twisted him and my friend Justice became a spirit of Vengeance. When we died he rose from my corpse as he had been before. But not I.

Vengeance was the gift he gave to me and I hold it close to my heart. The fire around it stoked anew every time I hear her sob my name.

The fade is a large place. But I am a patient man and I have all the time in the world.


End file.
